


Parentheses

by luemeldane



Category: Taynew
Genre: M/M, Newwiee's POV, POV First Person, Pre-Slash, Reflection, Romance, Y I Love You 2019, Y I Love You Fan Party 2019, deep thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 21:42:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17568458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luemeldane/pseuds/luemeldane
Summary: I have said all of this to you a thousand times. But what I never told you is that I am unbearably afraid that someday I’ll lose you to these yesses you keep giving. That you’ll give out everything and there won’t be anything left for me. That you’ll slide through my hands and get lost in this world you love so much and so deeply. What will I do then?





	Parentheses

**Author's Note:**

> My dear fellow Polcas, I'm here again! 
> 
> This fanfiction was inspired by Newwiee's aknowledgements at the end of the Y I Love You Fan Party 2019. It got me very emotional and even though my wrist is in severe pain, I could not let these feelings go and chose to write this fanfiction instead. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

I’ve seen and heard people say that I’m always standing up for you. Some have said that I can become even a bit aggressive when I’m defending you. And it’s true. I really do it and I really do it like they say. Because I can’t stand back and watch as people doubt your skills and potential. It angers me and it’s even worse when it’s you, yourself, the one who does it. Whenever I hear you say something self-deprecating or self-doubting, my blood boils in my veins.

It happens because I know how hard you work and how much of yourself you put into everything you do. You shouldn’t be anything but proud of every single thing you ever did. I also know how grateful you are to everyone around you and how desperately you wish to be able to give them something in return for their affections, even though no one expects you to. You are kind and good natured. You love everyone with all of your heart and soul. You want them to be well. You want them to be happy. It doesn’t matter how much of a toll it takes on you, you’ll do everything you can to assure that happens. I admire you for it, I really do. But you already give so much without need and without expecting anything back…

How can you possibly think it’s not enough? It’s far too much. You should think about yourself more. You should be more selfish. You should learn to say no!

 

 

**_(I have said all of this to you a thousand times. But what I never told you is that I am unbearably afraid that someday I’ll lose you to these yesses you keep giving. That you’ll give out everything and there won’t be anything left for me. That you’ll slide through my hands and get lost in this world you love so much and so deeply. What will I do then?)_ **

 

 

When other people make fun of you, my heart aches and I get just as angry. I know they mean no harm - in their heads, it is all fun and games. You also take everything in stride, never losing that blinding smile of yours, no matter what. You laugh loudly, scandalously even. You join in the joke. You clown around. Everyone loves you so much for that - you are such a positive person to be close by!

But I know better. About you, I always know better.

I know that the words they say get through the thick skin you pretend to have.I know that they haunt you constantly. They claw and gnaw at all of your uncertainties and make them deeper. They scar you and it shows. It shows when it’s just the two of us, when you let yourself be open and talk about how insecure you are, about how stressed you are, about how you think you won’t be able to make it…

And that’s why I lash out. To people I care about, to people I love, to people I respect… It doesn't matter - once I see them making a fool out of you and I see you smiling back at them as if their words are not killing you inside, I lash out. You say I shouldn’t do it and that it makes people wary and less likely get close to me. I always say I don’t care.

 

 

**_(You think I say that because I’m a bit cold and self-assured, but the truth is that I don’t care about the consequences, as long as I can protect you. As long as my actions can give you even a few extra seconds of peace of mind, I don’t care who I have to offend or hurt. Because you are everything I have.)_ **

 

 

Yesterday and today, you told the crowd about how much I take care of you. You even told them a few tales about our trip to Japan. You told them about how I took care of the financial management and that all you ended up doing was touring and taking pics. You told them about how you made me wait for ages because you got distracted while shopping. You also told them about how I heroically saved your life during rehearsals. It sounded funny and maybe a bit romantic. The audience all but roared at those stories. I wonder how would they react if they knew the truth behind every single one of them...

How loud would they scream if I told them that I decided to take the monetary issues upon myself not because I’m a control freak who cares a lot about money, but because I wanted you to be able to fully enjoy that trip by doing the things you love the most - travel and photography - without worries? What if I told them that the smile you had plastered all over your face during those days made the headaches that I had to endure all worth it?

How crazy would they go if I told them that I was actually fuming on that day you didn’t pick up my calls, even though you knew that your credit card wasn’t working and that you needed me to pay for your stuff? Some of them might have fainted if I had revealed that I actually went looking for you fully intending to give you a stern lecture, but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw how excited and happy you were inside the store, shopping for the things you’ve been wanting for some time. I didn’t have the heart to pull you out of there, so I just went back and waited at the cashier for you to come down in your own terms.

 

 

_**(You looked worried when you came down and surprised when you saw me standing there. Did you really think I’d leave you alone and without money? What do you take me for? It’s true that I hate waiting and I get mad at your irresponsible forgetfulness sometimes, but it’s also true that I’d never be able to leave you behind. How can you not know that by now? How could I not have made that clear to you?)** _

 

 

If any of our fans were still alive after those two stories, maybe they wouldn’t be so after I spilled the beans about how freaking scared I was by that paramotor incident. I saw it coming at you and I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t hear me. I tried to pull you out of its way, but you thought I was joking around. You didn’t move. That thing would’ve hit you. It could have seriously injured you or even worse… I don’t even like to think about it. Up until now, I don’t really know how did I manage to move your struggling self out of the danger line. I was desperate and people say that in such moments, we discover our true strength. I think that was what happened. I put everything I had into bringing you to safety and somehow I did it. My heart was beating so fast and relief was washing the fear out of me so violently that I couldn’t even bring myself yell at you for not paying enough attention.

 

 

_**(But you scolded me later because I threw myself at you and I could have been hurt instead. I found it quite funny. I could have told you that the paramotor was not nearly as frightening as the thought of any harm coming to you, but I didn’t.)** _

 

 

So, yeah... I take care of you. Everytime. Anytime. All the time. Because I know that you are forgetful and I know that you are clumsy. And although I wish you would learn from your mistakes, I still can’t help myself. Someone used to say to me that if you don’t learn by love, you’ll learn by pain. There’s no other way. If everything I’ve said - every scolding, every warning, every outburst - was still not enough, I should just leave you to change by the hard way: to suffer so much loss and face so many difficulties that they will leave you scarred and bruised. You certainly would never repeat the actions that led you to it again. At least, that’s how it was for me.

But I just can’t.

 

 

_**(Someone close to us once chastised me for interfering too much with your life. I just dismissed that persons advise as if I didn’t care. What I never explained is that I know that I do it, but just the thought of you being sad and unhappy alone makes me go mad. I can’t rest in peace knowing you are not well.)** _

 

 

Since I can’t help you all that much besides running after you fixing the messes you leave behind, I try to at least be a good influence. Lead by example, as they say. On one occasion, I heard from your own lips that my endeavours are somehow working. You said that my attitude and personality can make you calm down and lessen the burden you put into your own mind and shoulders. Since I’m confident and I don’t overthink things, you kind of doesn't too, at least when you are by my side. You don’t know how happy I was to know that I can make your life even a little a bit better! It makes anything and everything worth it.

But you also don’t know how big of an illusion this image you have of me is.

I might not overthink everything like you do, but there are some things that I’ve been thinking about for many years and that I’m still not done with. Today, I almost told you - and to all of our friends, family, colleagues and fans - some of them. All of these things that I never said, all of the explanations I never gave, I almost blurted them all out. But once again, I couldn’t. The words choked me and refused come out. I stumbled upon my own thoughts and rambled on aimlessly for a while, trying to pull myself together and not play the fool.

It was not a success case per se, but it was not a complete failure either. While I was trying to hold back my tears, I at least managed to speak a little bit about my loneliness and to thank you in general.

 

 

_**(What I didn’t manage to say was that I was grateful to you because you were the one who saved me. You were there when no one else was. You were there when someone should be but wasn’t, and I couldn’t understand why. You brought warmth to a cold life. You brought passion into a very calculating personality. You brought color to the eyes of someone who always saw the world in black and white. And most of all, you brought a real sense of purpose to someone who always thought that life was all about making a good plan to get money. You teached me that I should be pursuing happiness instead and that money was just a part of it. Even if it is important, it is not everything and it means nothing by itself.)** _

 

 

You changed my life for good. Forever!

I will never be able to thank you enough for that. Right now, I can’t even let go of all the worries and all the fears that I have about what might happen if I let you know about these things. Even worse is the dread that I feel about what will happen if the world ever learns about them. Besides, I know that I’ll probably never have the right words to express how much what we have means to me. But someday I’m sure I’ll gather the courage to at least try and I’ll finally do and say all the things that kept growing inside my chest for the past five years.

And I’m hopeful that when that day comes, you’ll be able to see in my eyes the dept of the love I feel for you.

 

 

_**(And then, there will be no more parentheses in our story.)** _

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that's it folks! A bit angstsy but at least it ends in a hopeful note!
> 
> If you liked it, please leve your feedback and help me share this work. It means the world to me!


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